Reflections from the life of an american convert to Islam
Well, this is it, this is the last night I'll be online on this computer....in this house....ever again....insha'allah
Whew! I almost cant believe the chapter with my husband in my life is coming to an end already. I really never thought it ever would. Even through all the drama, the tears, the fights, the heartache, I never ever thought I would actually leave. BUt next week insha'allah, I will be out of Germany, away from my husband, and off to a new place, new people, a new life....a new chapter. I'm scared and nervous as hell. But here's goes....
Check back when I can.
Bismillah Ir Rahman Ir Raheem
(In the Name of Allah, the Most Benevolent, the Most Compassionate)
Well got about 10 days left here in ol German Land. Insha'allah soon I will be back home with friends and family. I'm happy, excited, anxious, scared, worried, terrified all at the same time. I'm praying that my friend and family accept in my new muslim skin, and realize that I'm still changing myself. I struggle with my owns things, and while many things about me have change bad habits die hard. Astaghfirullah I know there may be some things that I will do when I'm home that will not be good, we all fall short, I know that shouldnt be an excuse, but Allah is Most Forgiving and I know that no matter what sins I may commit that I can always turn to my Rabb(Lord). I will surely try to stay away from major sins (missing prayers, fasts, drinking alcohol, abandoning my hijab). I just hope that I can use this time by myself to evolve as a muslim and a person. I am packing my computer up on thursday so that I can ship it to its (and my) new home. So, until I can get my connection hooked up I'll be away. Only allah knows how long it will take to get my internet hooked up considering I dont have a job or any income. But insha'allah it will all work out. Here's to onward and upward!
Bismillah ir-Rahman Ir-Raheem
Today is the first day of ramadhan, and also my first ramadhan. Alhamdulilah! I'm about 6 or 7 hours into my fast and doing okay. Masha'allah. I look foward to making the best of this blessed month and hope to increase my emaan (faith) and become a stronger muslimah.
Husband is leaving on sunday to go home to him mother's. Can't say I'll miss him, but I almost feel bad for leaving him....keyword almost. I pray that the Almighty Allah, guides him and I know that if it is Allah's plan for my husband and I to reconcile at another time than it will be so. But in the mean time, I have to do what's best for me and I cannot stay in this relationship anymore. Most of my reason for leaving isnt even religiously related. Just been thinking about the past 2 years, how much i've been through with him and how much i've put up with that I probably shouldnt have. But, Masha'Allah (As God has willed) that which doesnt kill you only makes you stronger and whatever you give up for the sake of Allah, Allah has promised to replace it with something that is far better. So, I pray for sabr (patience), while I await my better replacement. Whatever that may be.
I leave this place in 3 weeks! Insha'allah!! Even though i know its going to be hard living on my own, and I dont exactly know how i'm going to get by. I know God is always by my side. Alhamdulilah.
I may not update here for a while..
Me and my husband have decided it time to call it quits. He doesnt want a muslim wife and I dont want a non-muslim husband. I got a lot of packing and praying to do. I'm hurt, depressed, and just sad. I'm worried and scared about starting over, especially in a new place where I dont know anybody and dont really know the area. I pray that God gives me understanding and strength, but without God's help I really dont know what I'm going to do.
2 years of Marriage...and we're now a statistic...figures
its 5:35 am and I just ate 3 slices of french toast, and scrambled Egg beaters and half an apple. I am now sipping as much water as I can before the sun begins to rise.
Today insha'allah (God Willing) I an going to fast for the sake of Allah, for the first time.
I hope to spend the day in worship, refraining from bad things like lying and swearing (yes i'm going to try not to swear all day). I very excited and also very very nervous about what is going to happen today and if I will be able to complete my fast. Insha'llah I will.
Its almost fajr time.. I have to go start my journey..
May Allah, The Al-Mighty Most Merciful accept my fast and answer my prayers. ameen
Whoulda thunk all the other things you can do when you dont have to work 7 days a week.
Since I've quit my job, i've cleaned my house (somewhat, didnt clean some areas on purpose to leave me something to do on other days), I've been working out regularly, AND i'm cooking again. Funny thing is, When i was working I never realized how much food I didnt have...i mean REAL food...stuff you make a meal with. I opened the fridge today and was like "Dang its empty in there" when I know normally if this was a work day i would have said "Ehh we got pizza and chicken nuggets..that'll do for now." So i went grocery shopping got some healthier food, turkey burgers, fruit, baked lays, AND for once i got to the CMR before it closed. And since i'm not working. I'm going to start fasting ( insha'allah) on thursdays in preparation for Ramadhan which start in about 3 weeks or so.
Yes, Have to admit. Life is Good...wait..not good...better...life is better. Life wont be good until i get out of grafenwohr germany.
So much for a 2 weeks notice. Eugene (formally known as Gary in my previous post, disrespectful people get outed) decided to get in my face yesterday and try and tell me I was his child. So i told him to kiss this child's butt.
THere was supposed to be a LeAnn Rimes concert we were working yesterday, but because of bad weather it got cancelled. So instead we decided to come in and do set-ups for a party we were having on Sunday and a party we were having on monday. So we came in at 8am and worked pretty much all day. 4 o clock rolls around (Yes, 4 in the evening!) and Eugene says that we can clock out and go at 4. So me and Kiandra* clocked out and dipped out. Well then here comes Eugene screaming how me need to come back because " The battle is still being fought" and there's some linen that needs to go to the basment. I said, " Hey, If ya'll didnt retreat from the batte when I did, than thats not my problem..you forget I dont get a dern..I'm tired and I'm ready to go home."
..This is when the ish hit the fan...
Eugene said something stupid like ,"Oh so you going to put in your resignation then, because if the answer is no then you give a dern"
I told him actually I don't and I'm tired of him walking around here treating me and talking to me like i'm his damn child and I dont appreciate the disrespect. THEN he hauled off and stuck his finger in my face talking about how his daughter was older than me and how i WAS his child and some other BS about my father that I didnt even hear.
I told him thats fine then, maybe I will put in my resignation tomorrow, since ya;ll obviously dont need my help. He said, "So, not like you're the first person that quit" I said Good then have fun working until 2 and 3 in the morning.
I could've hit with a low blow and said something about him and Helga (formally known as Katrin) doin it in the dark the day before, but I figured what was the point.
Some thangs aint worth $7.90/ an hour and being disrespected at work is one of those things.
Man, I can't wait to get to Tampa.
Like the old Negro Spiritual says...Free at Last Free At last...
Put in my 2 weeks notice at that hole in the wall job of mine. So only 13 more days to go. Luckily for them too, they hired a new girl she starts tomorrow. Now i dont have to feel so bad for leaving them hanging...not like i really felt all that bad anyway.
Something interesting did happen at work today.. I've been observing 2 people at work since i got there. Initially, I thought they were a couple...however Gary* and Katrin* denied it to the fullest. I've been working there for almost 5 months now and as much as they would like to play it off, Gary and Katrin still were a little too close for comfort. But I figured hey, it aint my business and frankly I dont really care...Well today, I was going downstairs to the basement to the linen room, and when I came around the corner whom did I see necking in the linen room.....Yup, You guessed it...Gary and Katrin..the infamous "we are just friends/co-workers" team. They both were startled by my sudden apperance..and rushed to collect themselves and make it look like that had not been doing anything ....but they were sweatin....and breathing kinda hard......its like 40 degrees today....why would anyone be sweating......Ya'll aint got to lie...Ya'll AINT got to lie.
I'm so glad i'll be out soon, I aint got time for that drama...Like the other Negro Spiritual says: Ya'll Goin make me lose my mind, UP in HERE, Up in HERE!
* For the protection and privacy of the half-wits mentioned, their names have been changed.
I finally paid off my credit card last night. I'm so glad to have that debt from over my head! Now, to just get rid of my job.
My last entry didnt post...and i'm kind of glad it didnt...it was a whole bunch of drama that really didnt need to be documented and Alhamdulilah, its starting to work itself out now. Masha'allah
Since paying off my debt I'm really getting the itch to say screw this job. I'm so tired of working, and I feel like I owe it to myself and my husband to be at home and to have things kinda like they used to be. At least when I wasnt working, dinner was made at least 5 nights a week and the house wasnt always such a disaster. Plus, I now have so many other things that I want to do and experience before I leave Germany, and also so much preparation to do before i get hom e to florida.....or whatever will be left of florida by the time I get there. Anyway, the other part of me is just tired of this food service crap i've been doing all my life and want to do something actually worth it.....or at least something not food service. I say that now, wait til i get to tampa..probably be stuck at Applebee's or something.